Guinea Pigs - Awful Woman

Basil

Mon, 01 Jan 0001 00:00:00 +0000

This little lad was rescued on the 22nd December 2025.

Full name: Basildon Wigbury Bond
Other names: Wiggy. Baz. Wigwalker. Baby.
Balls: Removed (sorry little lad)

Basil joined us a couple of days before Christmas. He’s absolutely and ridiculously adorable.

His personality is wonderful. He’s inquisitive, he’s bright, and he really seems interested in the world around him. He’s getting on so well with Bertie and Bertie seems to adore him.

Now that he’s grown slightly he appears to be a Sheba mini yak. This means his hair is all over the place - he’s got the most ridiculously gorgeous little quiff.

However, he is coming across dangerously close to Italian. He’s got an attitude that seems to demand a Vespa and a caffeine fix. The ridiculous curls only seem to reinforce the matter.

We are of course monitoring the situation for signs of hand waving and stereotypical behaviour befitting a 1970s sitcom.

Bertie

Mon, 01 Jan 0001 00:00:00 +0000

Rescued on the 8th November 2024. Probably born the first week of October 2024.

Full name: Bertrand Wilberforce.
Balls: no

He’s a classic tricolour American smooth hair. The classic roman nose, the broad shoulders, the lot.

Bertie spent his first year as Bungle’s understudy. He quietly transcribed notes and acted as yeoman for the General himself.

Upon Bungle’s passing and the taking on of an intern of his own, he was field promoted to Captain. He has remembered all that Bungle taught him.

Bungle

Mon, 01 Jan 0001 00:00:00 +0000

The chap. The legend. The winkie warrior.

Full name: Bungle Bungle
Other names: BB. Bungle Bear. Bungle Bee. His Lordship. Sweet Boy. Free Willy.
Balls: Only just.

Update 2025/10/21 - Unfortunately Bungle passed on today. He had some kind of stroke that left him in a bad way. He passed away on my lap, being stroked and told how much he was loved.

I really miss him.

Bungle came to us as an 8 month old rescue after an unspecified “shaky start”. All we can say is that he had damaged ears that suggested that he’d been in fights, and was extremely nervous around humans. A mostly black Abyssinian (with flecks of distinguished grey), he’s a big boy, with excellent mutton chops.

He was supposed to be the “educator pig” in our little initial herd, along with George and Zippy. But it turns out that Bungle is a lover, not a leader, and despite trying to be the boss he ended up badly bullied by the newly-pubescent boys.

We separated him, and for several years after that he happily lived a bachelor. He learned that he likes cuddles, and that humans are an excellent source of cuddles. From his nervous start he has transformed into a guinea pig who will happily fall deeply asleep on us for an hour at a time.

The bachelor life ended when he was homed with Bertie, who seems an excellent match for him in temperament. Bertie is neutered, so hopefully there won’t be any fighting between them as that boy gets older.

The Penis Wars

Bungle fought in the Penis Wars, and came out stronger for it.

You see, he has a tendency towards bladder stones. This is a not uncommon issue in guinea pigs. It has some genetic predisposition, but being male and unneutered is the bigger factor. Bungle’s iconoclastic habit of drinking wayer once a day only contributes to it.

His first bladder stone was his most alarming. One night he started screaming. Not guinea pig “omg vegetables” but screaming. In utter distress we of course rushed him to a 24/7 vets.

It turned out that he had a bladder stone stuck in his dick. Like, literally a bulge halfway down. If it was a human penis imagine one with a golf ball jammed 10cm up the urethra.

The poor boy ended up needing emergency surgey to cut open his dick halfway down and to pull it out sideways.

Amazingly he recovered incredibly well. He did have comedy swollen balls for a week and he lost the little pouch that keeps guinea dicks hidden in their body. This means that he is now at all times free willy, and you can often see his little pink monster flopping out as he sleeps.

The second bladder stone we caught in time, and he had surgery to extract it directly from the bladder. This is quite a risky operation for such a small species. But given what he had experienced last time it was deemed the less risky option.

We now monitor him constantly for any signs of blood in his pee, and heavily restrict his diet. To the extend that we have to measure the hardness of the water that he drinks.

But he’s worth it. ❤️

Nanny Culture

Bungle has a psychosexual relationship with women, his little peanut brain transforming them into Nannies.

No one knows why. It just happens.

Nannies. Big women. Full of cuddles. Chasing him down the corridor. Nanny tucking him in. Nanny telling him off. Bungle looking at the camera and growling “nannies!”

Disturbing, but it is what it is.

George

Mon, 01 Jan 0001 00:00:00 +0000

Full name: George
Other names: Georgina. Clare. Gorgeous George. Toots.
Balls: Yes, sadly.

When not being a rudely healthy Teddy/Abysinnian cross, George spends his time being an absolute Pixar Princess. If guinea pigs had eyelashes, he’d have luscious ones that go “bink bink” when he wants to attract attention.

But the reality is that if he was a human he’d be oiled and naked at Berlin’s Panorama Bar, his uppers stuffed into his socks.

Leon

Mon, 01 Jan 0001 00:00:00 +0000

Whoah! Rescued on the 8th November 2024. Probably born the first week of October 2024.

Full name: Leon
Other names: Mega Mouse. Rumble Boy. FFS Leon.
Balls: Missing In Action

While Leon has all the signs of being an american shorthair, he’s most likely part-rat. He’s fast, he’s sleek, and he likes to get into places he shouldn’t be.

Along with his fellow conscript Bertie he was neutered early on. This was to help ensure that he could live with George, who has, well, issues.

As a baby little Leon seemed to see the world through a 90s cartoon lens. Rugrats, but made for Guinea Pigs.

But as he gets older he has turned into a proper little thug. He growls. He rumbles. He chases George and makes him squeal. He gets furious when the B-Team (Bungle and Bertie) dare to go the floor - he actually glares at them, all of his hairs stood on end, growling deeply.

From a cute baby he has become an east end gangster. He can barely be held, and he’s, frankly, bonkers. Reggie Kray in round rodent form.

He’s great. ❤️

Zippy

Mon, 01 Jan 0001 00:00:00 +0000

Zippy was a pure black Abyssinian that we adopted along with Bungle and George.

Full name: Zippy Zinia
Other names: Zippoloid. Spaceman Zip. The Mission Specialist. Spiky Boy.

Right from the start he was… odd. He moved strange. Even more staccato than a regular guinea pig baby, his movements were almost stop-motion. He was simultaneously skinny and fat. You could feel every bone in his body while also watching his giant belly swing beneath him. But more than anything he was… well, there’s a particularly good scottish word for this: diteit.

Yes, Zippy was stupid, even for a guinea pig. He got stuck in paper bags. He would fall over when trying to stand on his back legs. He had a favourite stretch of white wall that he would just go and stare at. He enjoyed putting things on top of his head.

But he was adored by George, and the two of them were the bestest of friends. Even if George tried to bum him on a daily basis.

Sadly Zippy died in August 2024. He was always ill, and we quite expected something to happen to him. But the suddenness still took us by surprise.

We remember him fondly. His strange “huh?” sound will forever live with us.

Carry on travelling the stars, strange little spaceman.